I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
