it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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