We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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