I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
