He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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