My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
