i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
