I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
my phone needs a breathalizer
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
