I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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