When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
