Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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