the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
