I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
