I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
