She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize