Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
