here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
