you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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