So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
