Duck Duck Cougar?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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