A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
