you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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