Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
