It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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