just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
