I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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