Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
