Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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