she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
