just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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