I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
