found the other keg... it's in the tree
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize