I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
