I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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