Little spoons don't ask big questions
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
