dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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