So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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