I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
