I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You left your phone here
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