Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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