we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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