you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
