My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
