??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
