The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
