JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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