He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
