im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
