The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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