Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
