it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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