I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
