I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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