I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
