i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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