you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
