I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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