but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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