i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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