I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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